The intro is a bit tentative (basically nervous) and consequently your potentially beautiful and risky point about the futility of the journey (and by extension life itself) gets lost.
I'd avoid phrases like last one standing, 'the walking dead in a horror film' would be a far better expression.
Rather than saying 'some people' why not just say, "it is not always possible to determine who are the 'good guys' and who are the 'bad guys', like the world around them, a deathscape of rotting and decaying things, the morals and civilisation to which these terms apply. The boy constantly seeks confirmation that they remain 'the good guys' as their actions grow increasingly desperate and violent..."
You would benefit from picking a point of view for yourself and arguing that (avoiding the use of I) rather than tentatively saying what one side might think or not.
I know you won't like me for saying this but well done for taking risks, now re-write this and stick to three KEY points
Good Guys Bad Buys
Road Rat
Ely.
and lets see how you do.
Keep on trying, unlike the Man YOU WILL GET THERE.
Kelly.
ReplyDeleteThe intro is a bit tentative (basically nervous) and consequently your potentially beautiful and risky point about the futility of the journey (and by extension life itself) gets lost.
I'd avoid phrases like last one standing, 'the walking dead in a horror film' would be a far better expression.
Rather than saying 'some people' why not just say, "it is not always possible to determine who are the 'good guys' and who are the 'bad guys', like the world around them, a deathscape of rotting and decaying things, the morals and civilisation to which these terms apply. The boy constantly seeks confirmation that they remain 'the good guys' as their actions grow increasingly desperate and violent..."
You would benefit from picking a point of view for yourself and arguing that (avoiding the use of I) rather than tentatively saying what one side might think or not.
I know you won't like me for saying this but well done for taking risks, now re-write this and stick to three KEY points
Good Guys Bad Buys
Road Rat
Ely.
and lets see how you do.
Keep on trying, unlike the Man YOU WILL GET THERE.